Why I Became A Therapist - Jen

by JENNIFER BULGER

Are you a predator or are you prey? The question appears simple on the surface, but is more complicated than it seems. In nature, various forms of competition, domination, and exploitation exist. Lions hunt gazelles on the African savannah. Gorillas enforce strict hierarchies with alpha males on top, and everyone else below. In herds of wild horses, stallions battle each other for mating privileges. The winner gains acceptance into a herd of mares; the loser goes off defeated and alone. There are clear winners and losers in the animal world, predators and prey. In the human world, the predator-prey dynamic also exists, but it reveals itself in more subtle yet equally destructive ways.

I spent much of my life – from childhood into young adulthood and beyond – feeling a great burden and need to please others. I was desperately afraid of disappointing others. I found myself in a pattern of  saying “yes” when I really meant “no.” I made a number of decisions around sports, academics, and jobs based on what I perceived others thought was best for me. I also entered what would be a string of unhealthy relationships with narcissistic men. During this period of my life, I allowed other people to dominate me and to prey on me. I was accommodating to others when I really wanted to be honest. I stayed in jobs and relationships when I really wanted to leave. I became a target for predatory people - and I was too afraid to do anything but just be their prey.

At the end of the most intense and one-sided of those unhealthy relationships, I found myself so tired and depleted that I finally did something about it. I had my first beneficial experience with therapy. Because I was in survival mode, this initial stage of my therapy journey only touched the surface of my deeper issues around trusting myself, and the lifetime of anxiety that I had previously thought was normal. Yet therapy allowed me to manage the trauma of the break-up, and I began to find myself again. Over time, I started asserting myself and not letting others dominate me. I learned to say “no” and to mean it. I learned to be a leader even when my prey instincts were still firing.

Part of my healing journey was getting back to my first love as a child - horseback riding. Horses are prey animals themselves, and I currently have two of them. Zeppi is an elegant, spirited mare and she is one of the joys of my life. I have learned how to calm her when she is anxious, when to give her affection, and when to give her space. I recently adopted a second horse “Weebe,” a mini who was rescued by a friend. He has a history of mistreatment and neglect prior to his rescue. I’ve enjoyed earning his trust and introducing him to newer, friendlier people. I recently became trained in equine therapy and do that in addition to my traditional work as a therapist. 

My path out of the predator-prey dynamic has been a long but meaningful one. I am inspired to help others to learn to trust themselves and to get out of the role of being “prey”. My life is dedicated to fighting for those who lack a voice, for those who have yet to find their strength, and for a world that might someday move beyond predator-prey.